http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-blogs_rss.php?ver=2 Mon, 06 Sep 2010 06:02:58 +0100 Tiki CMS/Groupware via FeedCreator 1.7.2.1 http://www.evilhow.com/img/tiki.jpg http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-index.php en-us http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=137 The life of a supervillain is one of constant discipline in many ways. The one that comes to mind today is how as soon as I take an innocent hostage that I intend to exchange for ransom, I must train myself to send off a ransom note that very day, without excuses and without delay. We present this in the spirit of facilitating diligent study from the best models of ransom notes, discussed in this article at some small length, as well as by jotting down notes of what happens when defective and badly-constructed notes go out.

So often we hear of people who do only 90% of the job, allowing their hostages to pile up without doing the necessary paperwork to demand the payment in the end. They are probably incurring extra expenses housing and feeding victims in their facility for no gain, or else wiping them out before the deal is completed, largely so as not to have to compose the required correspondence. As personal as the ransom note is, too, invariably those fiends who slough the chore off to an underling are dissatisfied with the results, which ultimately casts a pall on the entire caper when the relatives are presented with something they can barely make out, or has confusing and contradictory instructions. The knack of attending to all the niggling little details of one’s work is something that is best cultivated early in one’s evil life, and no place is better to start than excelling at ransom note writing. One learns this as a young henchman working one’s way up through the ranks of apprenticeship to a high quality evildoer who recognizes the importance of attention to task.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

]]> GrinningSkull Sun, 05 Sep 2010 15:36:19 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=136 I must admit that I’ve been going on a little binge of buying little bits of apparel lately leading me to want to update that popular how to rock an evil wardrobe article now with a couple of the tips I’ve picked up that I could hardly wait to pass on to other fast-living gals (and others) who might be interested, we’re talking ‘’much’’ of a departure here from my normal midriff-bare clingy stuff with lethal armament that makes up my normal day-to-day look, towards something more of a chainmail and circuitry and possibly biological amalgamated thing I would call it. And in expectation that it might catch on, knowing how fashion is, so I talked to some of the lady crew (I put up a picture of some of them there on that article) including some who have a few very very transgressive (their words) ideas of what to wear, not to mention how to conduct oneself on the playing field, and that to spice it up like that can be nothing but good given the kind of deadly boring stuff we sometimes have to put up with around here. The main thing I discovered has hardly anything to do with the stuff that money can buy or henchmen can loot, but more about the way you flaunt whatever it is you tottered out in that maybe wasn’t exactly what you had in mind when you started out on your life of derring-do, but which sure as hell is better than what most of the participants in our little drama would be likely to get if you’d decided to sit this round out, and you go out there and own that place in which you stand or squat. That there is worth a million bucks but good luck trying to peddle it at eBay.

Capella

]]> CapellaNovafyre Thu, 02 Sep 2010 10:53:18 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=135
I understand that even tiny children unable to speak properly already possess a well-developed fear of falling, so deep-seated is this phobia in the human midbrain, so we have put together an article describing the very best way to exploit this weakness: How to get the most from a bottomless pit. The concept is simplicity itself, being nothing more than a lack of adequate flooring, more or less, yet I have seen such a number of otherwise perfectly horrific bottomless pits marred by faulty presentation on the parts of their owners. One I remember well was a three meter wide stainless steel sided tube that was surrounded by an undistinguished expanse of no-wax flooring that simply looked cheap. Another had the faint but oddly persistent odor around it of freshly baked rolls. And yet another, one of considerable vintage no less, seemed to have fallen into the clutches of a band of government regulators, with brightly colored catwalks, railings, and signage accreted onto its artificially straightened sides. The impact of a bottomless chasm should be imparted onto the first-time viewer’s mind within moments after seeing it, not having to battle against a host of wholly irrelevant associations and stylistic imbecilities.

A truly noble shaft descending into the uttermost depths should have a certain grandeur of its own, as it seems to suck the bystander down on its own. This is why it is the preferred design element within the scene when a swordfight needs to break out or a rope bridge needs to be traversed. It should not be necessary to decorate it to draw attention to its significance — indeed, sometimes the most effective bottomless pits have been rendered invisible through sorcery.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)
]]> GrinningSkull Sun, 29 Aug 2010 14:31:42 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=134 Now let me be clear on one thing: I do not myself have a brood of vipers I can call my own, not now and not at any point in my past. While I have on numerous occasions privileged to admire a fine collection of young vipers in the nest, and have myself been encouraged, occasionally with vehemence, to come up with my own offspring, it would be misleading for me to represent myself as speaking from a point of personal expertise in this matter. Yet our regular followers do have a right to expect my personal contribution on the subject as a pit viper to stem from a source more privileged than a more theoretical knowledge of ophidian husbandry. It is fair to admit to a kind of first-hand (or perhaps first-fang) witness, having been raised, as I was, in a nest of that sort myself, yet this was long ago now, and by no stretch of the imagination something which I would consider a period of my life that is extremely relevant to my current situation.

Nonetheless, I do feel that I am able to draw on that episode in my background now and bring an essential quality to the table at this time. I am the logical one to task with the latest update of that article, which has long been identified as lacking some of the poignant detail our other featured content at evilHow enjoys. I do not shrink from this assignment, loathe as I am to seek the spotlight ordinarily, but welcome it and as chief minion I pledge to keep this article up our high quality standards going forward and to help ground the content of our wiki in the real-life experience out in the field that our readers expect. Yet make no mistake: this account is a work in progress, one which we here hope will encourage both established malefactors and villains just starting out to incorporate these dangerous beasts into every aspect of their shady work.

I am open to questions at this time.

Veeper
]]> Veeper Thu, 26 Aug 2010 11:11:08 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=133
Although I must admit at the outset I have not personally done a great deal of exploration along these lines, I have spent a great deal of time while researching the newest article on imploding the universe speaking to an expert in the field who possesses considerable expertise in the subject and has even written a scholarly manuscript (unpublished) on the fine points. I found it fascinating and thoroughly absorbing. For some reason, everyone else I talk to about the topic seems inordinately fixated on the exact reasons why one would want to implode the universe and everything it contains, but this line of inquiry utterly bores me. Some individuals have a measure of dissatisfaction with the current state of things and a desire to rebuild something perfect, new, and beautiful from the dross left behind. Others may be animated by a sociopathic anti-utilitarian desire to make as many sentients everywhere as miserable as possible, while still others harbor a vicious resentment of certain individuals and wish mainly to seize one titanic moment to prove them all wrong. Whatever the reason is, the important characteristic a supervillain must possess to pursue this line of research is a willingness to violate the natural law governing the many worlds and overturn the status quo.

My interviews with my gracious informant have instead focussed mainly on the tricky little details he had figure out on how to perform the trick, something about magic tech he had laid his hands upon and which I am unfortunately not at liberty to divulge at this time, or, most likely, ever. It was quite a treat to work with a fiend so intent upon a particular hobby horse, even if it was not my own.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

]]> GrinningSkull Sun, 22 Aug 2010 16:19:53 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=132 We dusted off the very popular article on How to avoid a gruesome demise and added a few helpful tips, thinking, of course, of some of the more colorful slipups which have excited much discussion over the past year or so. I think it is safe to say that no one wants to be personally incorporated into dozens of jars of Fra Diavolo sauce, to be recrystallized as a couple hundred cubes among as many alternate realities, nor to end up as a greasy smear on the wrong side of an orbiting platform on the far side of the Moon. And many agree that having one's remains stuffed into a cuckoo clock — mass produced, not handmade — is not the way they would want to be remembered by friends and by others. Yet so many of us supervillains spend so much time on the minutiae of our day to day plotting we lose sight of the final denouement toward which our actions drive, and overlook the slight adjustments in course we could make to hit the mark we would prefer, so to speak. This was the original impetus behind the article and it remains so, but we have found ways to amplify the message and concrete suggestions every supervillain might follow to achieve their ends — their final ends.

I personally insisted that we add in a couple of words begging the prudent evildoer not to discount the agency of random chance in bringing about an ignominious downfall. Too many times in recent days have we heard about vicious scoundrels finding themselves caught short by a caprice of circumstances which might in some way have been avoided. The fact of the matter is, if you pile up enough thousand-to-one shots against, then you eventually find yourself facing a not insignificant risk in toto. We all know that our lives are dangerous ones and that our daily business cannot always be plotted to the point where the last quiver of the last atom is accounted for, but in my estimation many of us let down our guards too soon after we determine that the do-gooders have been rendered ineffectual, leaving ourselves open to a devastating blow inflicted by the forces of blind nature. It doesn't quite make for the most satisfying ending, but it is much harder to avoid than one would like.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

]]> GrinningSkull Thu, 19 Aug 2010 12:04:35 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=131 Hey, I'm back again. The critter-related subject this time is How to release a kraken with an emphasis on the more warlike aspects of dealing with these huge irascible slimy customers. It turns out that my only dealings with a kraken have been strictly off of the nautical dispute beat, actually, mostly just gawking at them from an icy fjord where I might be foraging for some tasty seaweed or perhaps just a peep at one through a porthole in a submarine when we might be heading down to one of our ocean trench bottom hideaways. Impressive-looking specimens, I must say, and by all accounts more intelligent than one might suppose based on their lineage. Yeah, like I should talk.

There are all kinds of krakens out there, those that look like calamari squid seen through binoculars, those which look like aquatic bigfoots with tentacles, and look like they have dropped down here from an alien shores. What they all seem to have in common however is a wish to be free and lead their own lifestyle, and who can blame them if they cause a big fuss when they have been deprived of their liberty? Certainly not the other freedom-loving, lifestyle-pursuing entities of varied and sometimes monstrous appearance that I see around these parts.

We here have spoken with a number of experts on the topic of releasing krakens and have distilled their experience and related body of knowledge into a fairly comprehensive article, I think, that might I hope be helpful for someone seeking to take on the Zeus role of their dreams someday. Anyone who takes our advice on this, good luck and let us know how it all goes, all right?

Veeper
]]> Veeper Sun, 15 Aug 2010 10:37:38 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=130 Some of the pieces here on the wiki are perennial in interest, and during this second season of Evilhow we will be sprucing up and revisiting one of these every week in order to bring you the fullest possible evil experience. This week's revision of the popular page How to worship an evil god lays out the basics of setting up and running a repellent cult in order to contribute a powerfully horrific aura to all your dealings. We have consulted a number of eminent authorities with eons of experience in slaking the unholy thirsts of kakodemons and she-devils and present their practical tips in one place for you, the eager dark hierophant, to consume. A few small adjustments in your common practice will, in my experience, serve to freshen up a sacrificial routine gone slightly stale, and contrary to most sectarian nightmares, it does not have to involve costly structural makeovers. The true believer can incorporate a few bits of flashy showmanship, while the cynical hypocrite can learn from the soul-rending depictions from Hell that adorn this monstrous work.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)
]]> GrinningSkull Thu, 12 Aug 2010 10:15:55 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=129 Jewels are attractive and magical items are intriguing, but the best way to tell whether an evil overlord has truly made it to the most exalted ranks of our profession is to inquire as to whether they have purloined an ocean liner of their own, and, if not, what on Earth they are waiting for. Achieving one of these is a sort of evildoers pentathlon, attesting to his or her organizational skills, talent with arms, fortitude in the face of adversity, deceptive creativity, and casual ruthlessness, and if the individual has a number of cruise vessels they now call their own, you know you are dealing with someone rather special. For a while there, it was nearly a fad for up and coming fiends to establish their vile credentials by lifting a megayacht or a pleasure barge, trading up toward the multi hundred thousand ton class as they go, but the inevitable costly losses of promising talent led the governing bodies for villainy (such as they are) to discourage this activity unless there is clear and compelling need for the nautical bauble in question, lest the nouveau bad be snubbed socially for their airs.

Modesty forbids my commenting on any personal accumulation of luxury berthing. Those days are long passed now for me, although I will admit that I do enjoy observing the proceedings, executed by a master, when I can get a chance. Even the attempts which go awry are instructive and entertaining in some way. Aficionados of the ocean liner rustling sport have a tendency to go on at some length about the ones that got away just as much as the big scores we all know about, and will dwell on the technical misstep that sunk this one, and the faulty timing that dematerialized the other, and so on, which can be offputting to the untutored outsider in the subject.

Grinning Skull (friendfeed)

]]> GrinningSkull Sun, 08 Aug 2010 16:21:24 +0100 http://www.evilhow.com/tiki-view_blog_post.php?blogId=1&postId=128

So, did you like miss us or whatever?
When our posse has something going down, I usually never think of whether I might have an opportunity for snappy quotes, much less a quote from Shakespeare that might dazzle and stupefy the other guys maybe at a ticklish point in their resistance, which is kind of too bad, because that kind of thing isn't nearly as strenuous as the kind of fighting or support work that normally is assigned my way. Plus even if I did set something good up and up and pipe at the critical point, it is often the case that the place is too noisy for a person to be heard clearly by someone who's likely to be a survivor of whatever it is, so maybe they mishear the thing and think it was something like "fried haddock and let's lose some dogs and slaw" instead of what it's supposed to be, and though that might certainly be a notable and unique line, it maybe doesn't have the kind of oomph behind it that makes for a proper story afterwards (one that sounds cool, anyway), and if they end up getting wasted anyway or driven mad, they probably don't even get a chance to repeat it to anyone anybody cares about. So since it's really kind of a lot more tricky than people think, it's a good thing we're back on here with an article on the topic, and I am sort of proud to be the one to announce it, you know.
Capella

]]> CapellaNovafyre Mon, 02 Aug 2010 02:10:15 +0100