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How to make unicorn tacos

****unicorn meatTheme parties are a staple especially as the harvest season draws near and evildoers set about dreaming up ways to put their diabolic deeds on display to all and sundry. Woe to the supervillain whose spread falls short of the stratospheric expectations set by rivals commanding interplanetary stores of wealth. Set your cookout apart from the boring old Middle-Eastern/Italian/Lemurian events by going with a fantasy there by featuring an entree which literally brays enchantment. The nice thing about unicorn tacos is that the relatively exotic ingredients required make it unlikely (in most circles) that someone is going to beg off with the excuse that they had just gorged themselves on the same at the mall or that whatever you will come up with will be compared unfavorably with the way your friend's sister-in-law makes them.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Invite a crowd. Whenever possible, include those likely to be impressed such as ninjas, snipe hunters, pirates, former henchmen, mobsters, gangstas, fair folk, Ents, sylphs, cryptozoologists, and Beast-kings of α Canis Minoris G.
  2. Know your butcher. There are some villains who swear by the health benefits of organically raised livestock versus the piquant tang of despair produced by optimally cruel factory megafarms. Traditionally sourced free-range unicorns are frequently beyond the reach of pocketbooks not backed by fabulous wealth, in part because of the expensive maidens required to tame them, assuming one endeavors to obtain them through legitimate means as opposed to outright theft.
  3. Assemble the ingredients. Along with your canned or fresh unicorn meat pick up things such as pixie dust made of dried pixies, shredded wolverine cheese, henbane, heads of Altairian lettuce, sour mermaid cream, diced love-apples of the Sun, and pepper spray. Amass these in quantities sufficient to serve the throng you are planning to have and don't worry about making a mess — that's what minions are for.
  4. The fires of Hell. When it comes to heat, there is mild, hot, searing, and nuclear to choose from. Go as extreme as you dare, but do not sacrifice taste if you want to make a positive impression on your guests. If you simply want to inflict third-degree burns, go hog-wild.
  5. Prepare the shell. There is a debate of venerable antiquity whether the most authentic unicorn taco features a fresh or a fried exoskeleton. Both are wrong, for the original form of this dish was in fact unicorn taco salad with a small dish of salsa on the side, a presentation still found in certain disreputable roadside establishments in the bad part of Faerie. So let your fancy be your guide as to the preferred wrapping.
  6. Serve immediately. Or sooner. The famous ephemeral nature of unicorn flesh is even more maddeningly true than the legends have it, and only the truly criminally insane would even consider consuming any over forty-five minutes after preparation. Or even shorter if fresh dairy products are involved.

taco ball

! Strokes of genius

  • The art of tapestry. For an especially grand effect, commemorate your unicorn taco shindig in the form of lavish embroidery to grace the walls of your lair and to perplex scholars of the distant future.
  • Side dishes. Choose these to harmonize with the Tex-Mex? or fantasy motifs, but do not allow them to overshadow the main feature. It's customary to have a little something light and refreshing afterwards, such as sweet, sweet revenge.
  • Tipples. Here are some ideas for some quaffs to wash them down with, depending on your mood: mead, Corona, polysorbate 80, Moxie, pilsener from the Black Forest.
  • Your grocer's freezer case. Giant food conglomerates have just started to get the idea that this kind of dish might be a lucrative item to carry in their line for those who are too lazy or too inept to procure their own from scratch. Follow the package instructions and lay in some extra supplies of intoxicants to cut the peculiar flavor.
  • Garnish. With horn, naturally.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Foul odors. Caused by subpar meatpackers or slipshod handling, these are especially unwelcome when you go with a unicorn sashimi treatment.
  • Protest groups. There's nothing ethical or sustainable about the way these horn-heads have being treated and enemies of this type of cuisine know it. If you are sufficiently evil you can think up ways to turn their presence into an opportunity, however.
  • Mystery meat. Beware of genetically engineered goat and narwhal substitutes. Reputable unicorn suppliers are proud to disclose the provenance of their meat in a transparent and forthright fashion.
  • Freezer burn.
  • Unicron (external link) tacos.


+ Precious and needful

  • Silver trays. Although not around werewolves.
  • Absorbent paper towels.
  • Antacids.
  • Expense account.
  • Dragon nachos.

Further plotting

Created by: Veeper. Last Modification: Monday 10 of September, 2012 22:11:58 EDT by Veeper.

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