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How to possess eternal youth

****For a great many evil geniuses the motivating factor that impels them to carry on their evil acts is a desire to cheat Death. This is all well and good, but a few moments' reflection will convince most everyone that it would be far superior to defeat Time as well by existing perpetually at one's prime. Consider the billions of humans who have all grown old and died over the ages, and the renown that would accrue to the the first person to beat that murderous system which has existed from the beginning of the race. It might not be too much of a stretch to call that individual the very first of a new species distinct from and superior to Homo sapiens.

*Evil plotpoints

  1. Dissections and horrifying experiments. It may seem like a pointless chore to have to get one's scrubs all dirty, given what one can pick up through book-learning supplemented with what you can glean off of the Internet, but one cannot recommend too highly the role of original first-hand experience to understand exactly what makes young ones tick. Take detailed notes throughout and do not shrink from a maniacal devotion to cold scientific detachment.
  2. Prior art. Once you have learned what you are trying to achieve, it is time to hit the books to see what other evil masterminds have tried in the past. Perform an exhaustive search through patent filings, Google searches, dusty tomes, magazines, and do not overlook Saturday morning cartoons or blockbuster Hollywood movies.
  3. Spirit transfer. This is the classical means of casting off one's own old and worn-out body for a brand new one, through so-called "sideways metempsychosis." To do this, you need a mad-scientist-class laboratory, a young body to receive your psyche, and a high tolerance to danger. If you want to preserve your original appearance, the best scheme is to start a "clone ladder" where you grow replicas of yourself at various ages to be inhabited in turn. Otherwise, you just need a victim with a compatible cerebral matrix to your own, whether grow-your-own or though plain old bodysnatching. The actual form in which the soul is delivered may be the traditional electrical current or it may be distilled down to a serum, or in the latest innovation, a patch applied to the skin. If you are in a hurry, it may be possible to accomplish nearly the same effect through a brain transplant, but some villains scorn this stratagem as inelegant.
  4. Run in place. Alternatively, you may wish or need to stay in the same body as the one you have, which you need to re-outfit and freshen up with one or more desired youthful features. In most cases it is also a requirement that one's memories and experiences stay reasonably intact throughout. Here, the main techniques used include surgery (conventional or nanotechnological), chemical dips, herbal draughts, pineal gland extract (the amount extracted from 200-300 donors will last you for 18 months) and exotic forms of full-body irradiation. If you have an inside track to the dark arts, you might be able to accomplish the same sort of effect in a non-medical fashion by paying the requisite price to have an anti-agapic enchanted applied on yourself.

! Strokes of genius

  • Madness and its applications. It is nearly a tautology that an evil supervillain bent on eternal youth is a mad genius who laughs in the face of all that is rational and natural. As you approach your goal, an aura of insanity will lend weight to the more and more outrageous demands you place upon your minions to procure all your needs.
  • Diversify. Instead of using the same old rejuvenation technique over and over, it is often better to hedge your bets by mixing things up. If the last time you transferred your vital force over a wire, next time try a concentrated antioxidant bath along with a transfusion of the blood of innocents. This will help your system to beat the memory effect and make for a smoother overall experience down the line.
  • Pampering. No matter how careful and solicitous you have been in preparing things, radical anti-aging therapies take a short-term toll on a body. Allow a sufficient amount of time afterwards to smooth things over with spa treatments, deep tissue massages, and detoxifying nutrients.
  • Choose your company. Look at the top clique at your local high school and you will find one dominated by a girl who has succeeded in surrounding herself with less attractive companions. Take this model to heart by avoiding the natural impulse to collect the most beautiful captives and to promote the most dashing henchman to your right hand. If your posse is a hardscrabble fleabitten bunch, whatever you can accomplish in the way of reversing the ravages of time on your own part will shine that much brighter. If you are particularly ruthless, you might consider mandating a course of reverse plastic surgery among those in your circle.

!! Traps for mere fools

  • Cheesy scams. Youth in a pill does not exist. Youth in a bottle does not exist. Youth in an exercise gadget does not exist. Leave these for late-night television and the impatient rabble and stick to your own best judgment when it comes to maniacal schemes and the keeper of your treasure hoard will be thanking you.
  • Starvation diets. They discovered that mice (external link) which consumed fewer calories lived longer than mice consuming normal diets. Do not confuse the idea of life extension, however, with that of eternal youth which is pretty much the exact opposite: lithe and supple vs. gaunt and leathery. Bad move, there.
  • Too young. It is perhaps too easy to get in over one's head and reverse the course of aging too far, resulting in awkward situations where one has regressed to childhood but still has to run a global crime organization. Or, worse yet, you probably do not want to be reliving your time as a blastocyst, because most people generally don't regard those moments to be their very best.

+ Precious and needful

  • Oxygen. Also antioxidants ... watch them fight.
  • Glam wardrobe.
  • ID card. For getting into bars.
  • Tesla coil.
  • Brain-sized jars.

Further plotting

Created by: CapellaNovafyre. Last Modification: Sunday 08 of August, 2010 21:12:58 EDT by GrinningSkull.

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